Addressing Parent-Child Estrangement in Divorce Using Reunification Therapy

There has been a great deal of conversation lately about estrangement, specifically among parents and children (or other family members) who have chosen to go “no contact” for various reasons. So prevalent in popular culture these days, Oprah Winfrey recently devoted a special on her network OWN to dig deeper into the subject, including how it arises from family dynamics during childhood. The crux of our discussion here today? Whether estrangement is the best answer, including in the context of a Washington state divorce where minor children are involved, and whether reunification therapy can help in repairing parent-child relationships impacted by divorce.

What Is Reunification Therapy in Washington State?

Reunification therapy is the process by which a trained therapist helps rebuild parent-child relationships. Often ordered by a judge in Washington state disputes over contact between a parent and a child, including where a child refuses to see a parent due to the presence of conflict, parental alienation, a finding of abuse, an extended period of no contact or residential time, or a parent’s incarceration, the process involves efforts to rebuild relationships between parents and their children. Parents can also agree to reunification therapy voluntarily. 

Regardless of who’s calling for reunification therapy, child safety must always remain the top priority. Therefore, Washington family court judges carefully consider the child’s health and well-being when ordering it. 

The monetary cost is determined by the court, often proportionately in the same ratio as adopted by the  Child Support Order. But because every family’s situation is unique, there may be reasons why the court deviates from that ratio.

An Important Caveat About Reunification Therapy

There is an important caveat: In the context of family law, the term “reunification therapy’ is a term of art with a specific meaning. It is used to describe court-ordered reunification therapy involving only the restoration of the relationship between the estranged parent and the child(ren).

It always involves the estranged parent and the child(ren) who need to be reunified. If the estranged parent is not included, that is not reunification therapy within the meaning of the term in family law.

Also, in the family law context, third parties such as grandparents and step-parents have no independent rights to contact with them, nor are they considered an appropriate part of the parenting plan between the children and parent from a legal standpoint. 

The court would never order their involvement and has no authority under the law to do so. (See the US Supreme Court decision of Troxel v. Granville, 530 U.S. 57 (2000). The court’s attitude is commonly that step-parents and grandparents are third parties who need to “butt out” of the dynamic between the child and the parent unless the parent in question chooses to involve them.

We know that therapists do, in fact, provide therapy involving such third parties, or even the other parent, with the goal of “reunifying families” and restoring third-party relationships, but that is not what the term “reunification therapy” means in family law. Such therapy would be outside a Washington court’s purview, might be something the family agrees to pursue on their own, and is simply another form of voluntary family therapy.

How Does Reunification Therapy Work?

In Washington state, reunification therapy involves the child and the estranged parent. In addition to practical techniques that unite parent and child (explained below), therapy may include education to help the child understand their anger and resentment and feel more empowered to make decisions.

Reunification therapy may also explore issues within the entire family unit, highlighting how each member’s words and actions can affect the unit as a whole.

What Techniques Are Used in Family Reunification Therapy?

To rebuild a child’s bond with a parent, therapists may employ techniques that involve revisiting mementos or photos from positive experiences between the parent and child. The child will also have the opportunity to describe the negative beliefs they hold about the parent and why they hold them. 

The next step may be for the therapist to guide them in considering examples that contradict their prevailing beliefs, such as what’s revealed by the mementos and in the family photographs. One goal of the exercise is to create a more balanced and realistic view of the relationship, while still recognizing the child’s feelings about it.

Along with therapy sessions, therapists will often encourage supervised activities involving parent and child, such as eating meals together, going on family outings, sharing hobbies, or watching videos. The hope is that, through shared activities, the parent and child will gradually rediscover and strengthen their bond.

Therapists can also provide children with the tools to recognize manipulation and alienation as it’s occurring, such as when one parent projects their own behavior onto the other parent or places blame on the other parent without justification. This empowers children to identify unhealthy family dynamics and when they’re being used to manipulate them.

What Happens Once Family Reunification Ends?

Estrangement can cause lasting stress, leading to ongoing emotional swings regarding feelings toward the parent. Plus, specific triggers can reopen old wounds. This is why continuing therapy (both family and individual) once formal reunification therapy ends can benefit everyone involved. 

Creating a habit requires repetition. Therefore, even after learning new communication skills, those looking to make a lasting change in their family dynamic may benefit from periodic reinforcement. 

Is Your Family a Candidate for Reunification Therapy?

When reunification therapy is ordered by a Washington court, the therapist is typically selected and assigned by the court. In some cases, though rarely, the therapist will report the family’s progress to the court through a guardian ad litem or another neutral party appointed to represent the child’s best interests.

Where a family seeks to participate in reunification voluntarily, they should search out a mental health professional who has experience working within the legal system and is likewise experienced in marriage and family issues, particularly those that result in estrangement. A family law firm with deep roots in the Seattle community and surrounding areas in Washington state will be able to provide direction for finding the professionals who fit your family and your individual circumstances best.   

Find a Seattle Family Law Firm That Prioritizes Healthy Family Dynamics After Divorce

There is extensive research suggesting that positive experiences in childhood lead to emotional and, by extension, physical health in adulthood. This is why protecting children is central in every divorce case we take at Elise Buie Family Law.

Our team of family law attorneys has extensive experience navigating high-conflict divorces that are on the road to or have already resulted in strained relationships, and sometimes estrangement, between a parent and a child. While prioritizing children’s safety, health, and well-being, we are forever mindful of family dynamics and the lasting impact of divorce on children. 

For this reason, we work tirelessly to create parenting plans and residential schedules that build bridges rather than tear them down and help facilitate healthy relationships between co-parents and between parents and their children for years to come. For support with your divorce at any stage of the divorce process or thereafter, contact us today or schedule a convenient time to speak.