Co-Parenting With an Asshole: Holiday Edition

’Tis the season … to be an asshole. Especially if your ex is an asshole or an aspiring asshole the rest of the year. For co-parents who are already exhibiting asshole characteristics and already engaging in too much asshole behavior for your tastes, buckle up because co-parenting during November and December seems to bring out many people’s most asshole-like qualities. In other words, if you’ve been co-parenting with an asshole, expect a holiday version of them with bells on. 

Yes, gone is Santa’s naughty-or-nice list. You may not have realized, but somewhere in the North Pole, there’s an asshole list with a blank line just waiting for your name. Your ex knows this and will bait and goad you with their holiday antics to get you to join them there. That way, they won’t look so bad based on what they’ve already done, and scarily, what they may have up their sleeve. Unfortunately for kids, two asshole parents are worse than one, which is why you need to keep yourself off the asshole list and on Santa’s nice list. 

You’re probably thinking: You want me to do what? Be nice to someone who isn’t being nice to me? Now, now, before you go and choke on your Christmas cookies, hear me out about why you should choose nice as you co-parent with an asshole ex during the holidays.

There’s Little Point in Winning a Battle

Assholes are like gophers. You bop one on the head, and they’ll pop up somewhere else. Your ex is no exception. In fact, assholes get off on seeing you squirm when they do something unexpected. The thing is, when you expect the unexpected, their surprises generally hold less weight. Since instant gratification is what they’re after, when you withhold the reaction they’re expecting, whatever they’ve just “won” won’t feel as satisfying.

While implementing this new behavior can make an asshole ex up the ante, that’s typically only temporary. If you continue not to react and instead find an alternate solution to whatever problem they’re creating (more about that in the next section), they’ll usually grow tired at some point. They may not give up entirely, but those initial moments of fury that come when they realize they’re not getting a rise out of you will lessen. 

They may have still won the battle, doing what they wanted to do, but it wasn’t as strong a win as they would’ve liked. Also, what often looks like losing today turns into winning tomorrow when you look back on it and see that, in the scheme of things, one moment wasn’t so significant after all. 

You Usually Can Find a Workaround if You Think Hard Enough 

Assholes love throwing monkeywrenches into plans, particularly your plans. Dropping kids off late, picking kids up early, cancelling at the last minute, changing the plan, inviting significant others to occasions with your kids without warning (them or you), you name it, it may be on the holiday menu this year. 

Particularly if your ex has been inconsistent in the past, hope for the best, but also expect the worst. No, this isn’t a negative outlook, but it is practical and can save you time and aggravation in a trying moment. So, just like you would pack extra underwear for a vacation or create an estate plan, even though you’re young and healthy, it’s best to have a contingency plan. 

Pack extra clothes for your kids, put a small Christmas present in their bag just in case plans change, and have an emergency list of trusted friends and family who can cover for you in a pinch. Yes, it can suck in the moment, but learning how to pivot can go a long way toward salvaging an experience or saving the day. Think flexibility for the win.  

You’re Kids Are Watching and Learning

Though your goal may be noble — protecting your children’s holiday memories and your own — how you go about doing that matters. Kids, even very young ones, can feel the tension between their parents, even if they aren’t witnessing it firsthand. 

If they are, if they’re seeing you argue, or listening to you talk badly about their other parent behind that parent’s back, it affects them negatively. Not only are they learning poor conflict-resolution strategies, but they may also be identifying with that parent’s negative qualities. Plus, hearing bad things about someone they love can hurt. A lot. 

Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, strategize about what your next steps will be, whether that’s in hours or days. Everything you say or do, even though provoked by your ex, reflects on you, and, more than that, impacts your child. Yes, you’re being nice. But niceness is not weakness. And staying the course is a sign of your strength.     

A Quick Word About Abuse

The line between asshole behavior and abuse can blur. If you find yourself or your children in an abusive situation due to your ex’s behavior, or aren’t sure, it’s time to call on professionals. In emergencies, law enforcement is your first line of defense. As soon as possible after that, you need to speak with a family law attorney to protect yourself and your children and learn more about your rights and options according to your unique situation. 

Find a Seattle Family Law Attorney for Support Co-Parenting With an Asshole

Though we talk tongue in cheek about co-parenting with an asshole, we know with all of our hearts that this is no laughing matter. At Elise Buie Family Law, our team of Washington family law attorneys has vast experience supporting clients navigating difficult experiences with uncooperative exes. From strategies and modifications to the enforcement of parenting plans and everything in between, even book recommendations go, we can help. Contact us today or schedule a convenient time to speak.