Estate Planning When Your Adult Children Don’t Get Along

Every parent hopes their adult children will be close, but in reality, sibling relationships don’t always work out that way. Maybe your kids had a falling out years ago and never reconciled. Perhaps personality differences or lifestyle choices created distance that grew over time. Or old resentments from childhood still simmer beneath the surface at every family gathering. While unpleasant, there are big issues at hand: how these dynamics will affect your estate planning.

Whatever the reason for the conflict, if your adult children don’t get along, you’re probably worried about what will happen after you’re gone. Will your estate become a battlefield? Will your death permanently destroy any chance of reconciliation? Will the legacy you worked so hard to build get eaten up by legal fees and family conflict?

These are valid concerns, and you’re not alone in having them. The good news is that thoughtful estate planning can minimize conflict, protect your wishes, and give your family the best possible chance of moving forward peacefully. Here’s what you need to know, but first, an overview of sibling conflict in the context of a parent’s death.

Why Sibling Conflict Gets Worse After a Parent Dies

Before we dive into solutions, it helps to understand why estates so often become flashpoints for family conflict. When a parent passes away, adult children aren’t just dealing with grief. They’re also processing decades of family history, perceived favoritism, unresolved childhood wounds, and anxieties about their own mortality.

Money and possessions become symbols of love and validation. That antique dining table isn’t just furniture. It represents Sunday dinners, holiday traditions, and a connection to a parent who’s now gone. When siblings already have strained relationships, these emotional undercurrents can turn even simple decisions into major battles.

Add the stress of grief, the complexity of legal processes, and the pressure to make decisions quickly, and you have a recipe for conflict. Siblings who might typically keep their distance are suddenly forced to communicate, cooperate, and make joint decisions during one of the most emotionally vulnerable times of their lives.

The best time to address these family dynamics is now, while you’re still here to make your wishes crystal clear and put estate planning documents in place that minimize opportunities for conflict. Consider the following tips to protect your family and legacy when your adult children don’t get along. 

1. Be Specific About Everything

Vague language in estate documents is one of the most significant sources of sibling conflict. When a will says, “Divide my personal belongings equally among my children,” it sounds fair, but it can create a situation where your kids have to agree on what “equal” means and who gets what.

If your children already struggle to communicate, asking them to negotiate over your possessions is setting them up for failure. Instead, get specific. Very specific.

Create a detailed inventory of items with sentimental or significant monetary value. Specify exactly who gets what. If you have three children and one meaningful piece of jewelry, don’t leave them to figure it out. Either designate one recipient and explain your reasoning, leave instructions for it to be sold with proceeds divided, or rotate through a system where each child takes turns choosing items.

For items you haven’t explicitly addressed, consider including a conflict resolution mechanism in your estate documents. This might be a requirement to use mediation before litigation, or a provision that any contested item be sold, with the proceeds divided equally.

2. Consider an Independent Executor or Trustee

Naming one of your children as executor might seem like a natural choice, but when siblings don’t get along, this decision can backfire spectacularly. The child you name suddenly has power over their siblings, which can trigger resentment and accusations of self-dealing. Even if your chosen child handles everything perfectly, their siblings may question every decision.

Instead, think about appointing an independent third party, such as a professional fiduciary, a trusted attorney, or a corporate trustee. Yes, this costs money, but it removes family dynamics from the administration process. An independent party can make practical decisions without being accused of favoritism and can serve as a buffer between siblings who might otherwise be at each other’s throats.

If you do want a family member involved, name a trusted niece, nephew, or family friend who isn’t directly inheriting and doesn’t have a stake in sibling conflicts.

3. Use Trusts to Maintain Control and Reduce Conflict

Trusts offer several advantages over wills when family conflict is a concern. First, trusts avoid probate, which means your estate administration stays private rather than becoming public record. Siblings can’t review court filings to scrutinize what their brothers or sisters received.

Second, trusts give you more control over how and when assets get distributed. Instead of handing everything over immediately, you can structure distributions over time or tie them to specific conditions. This can reduce conflict by eliminating situations where siblings need to make joint decisions.

Third, trusts allow you to include detailed instructions that might seem excessive in a will. You can explain your reasoning, outline procedures for handling disputes, and create structures that minimize opportunities for conflict.

To demonstrate how a trust can help in your estate planning goals when you have adult children with adult problems that can cause dissension, a spendthrift trust can protect an inheritance from a child’s creditors or poor financial decisions. Likewise, a discretionary trust provides a trustee with the flexibility to respond to changing circumstances. In contrast, an incentive trust can encourage behaviors you value without creating resentment between siblings who made different life choices.

4. Address Unequal Distributions Directly

Sometimes treating children equally isn’t the same as treating them fairly. One child may have provided years of caregiving while others lived far away. One child may have received substantial financial help during your lifetime that others didn’t need. One child may have special needs that require ongoing support. The scenarios are endless. 

If you’re planning to distribute your estate unequally, address it head-on rather than leaving your children to speculate about your reasoning. You have several options.

You can include a letter of explanation with your estate documents. This letter isn’t legally binding, but it gives you a chance to explain your thinking in your own words. Some parents find it easier to be honest in writing than in conversation, and your children will have your explanation to refer back to when emotions run high.

You can also have direct conversations with your children while you’re still alive. This is harder, but it can give them a chance to ask questions and process their feelings while you’re still there to respond. It also eliminates the shock factor that can intensify conflict.

Finally, you can equalize lifetime gifts with estate distributions. If you helped one child with a down payment or business startup, you might leave a larger inheritance to the other children to balance things out. Just make sure your documents clearly explain this calculation.

5. Include a No-Contest Clause

A no-contest clause, also called an in terrorem clause, essentially says that any beneficiary who challenges your estate plan forfeits their inheritance. These clauses don’t prevent all litigation, but they create a significant disincentive for frivolous challenges.

The effectiveness of no-contest clauses varies by state, and they’re not appropriate for every situation. But for families where you’re concerned about one child stirring up trouble, they can provide meaningful protection. An experienced Washington state estate planning attorney can help you understand whether this tool makes sense for your situation.

6. Plan for Items with Sentimental Value Separately

Often, the biggest fights aren’t about money. Instead, they concern Mom’s wedding ring, Dad’s watch, or the family photo albums. That’s because these items have emotional significance far exceeding their monetary value, and they can become lightning rods for all the unresolved feelings siblings have toward each other.

Consider addressing sentimental items through a separate process while you’re still alive. As mentioned earlier, some families do well with a “round robin” approach where children take turns selecting items they want. Others benefit from direct conversations about which items are most significant to each child.

If you’re not comfortable having these conversations, at a minimum, create a detailed list that specifies who gets what. Don’t assume your children know which items matter to each other, or care, for that matter, because they often don’t.

7. Consider Family Mediation Now

If your children’s relationships are strained but not completely broken, facilitated family conversations while you’re still alive might help. A skilled family mediator can help you discuss estate planning in a structured environment where everyone feels heard.

The purpose of these conversations isn’t to force reconciliation or rehash old conflicts. They’re to create clarity around your wishes and give your children a chance to ask questions and express concerns so you can respond. Sometimes knowing a parent’s reasoning directly from them carries weight that reading it in a document after death cannot match.

How Elise Buie Family Law Can Help With Your Estate Planning Amid Conflict

Estate planning for families with complicated dynamics requires both legal sophistication and emotional intelligence. At Elise Buie Family Law, we understand that behind every estate plan is a real family with genuine relationships, including the difficult ones.

With over 50 years of combined experience, our compassionate Washington state estate planning attorneys help families create plans that protect assets, minimize conflict, and honor relationships. With these priorities in mind, we take time to understand your family’s unique dynamics and craft solutions that reflect your values and priorities.

Our white-glove service means you’re never left wondering what comes next. From your initial consultation through final document execution, our devoted hospitality coordinator will oversee that every detail receives proper attention.

Your family’s future is worth protecting, even the complicated parts. Contact us today and discover how thoughtful planning can give you peace of mind about what you’ll leave behind, or schedule a convenient time to speak.