What to Do When Your Child Refuses Visitation

Overview: When a child resists going to the other parent’s home after a separation or divorce, parents can feel caught between their child’s feelings and the requirements of a court-ordered parenting plan. In Washington state, a child who refuses visitation does not change the residential schedule, and the court takes any missed visit or residential time seriously. Parents need to understand why the child is refusing, recognize their joint obligations to implement the parenting plan schedule, and know when legal help from a Seattle family law attorney may be appropriate.

Key Takeaways

• A child’s refusal to go to the other parent’s home does not change a Washington state parenting plan and is a serious matter.
• Listen to your child’s concerns without coaching, questioning, or criticizing the other parent.
•  Make sure your child understands that you and the other parent both require them to abide by the residential or visitation schedule in place and use your best efforts to facilitate the exchanges and schedule
• Allegations involving abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or safety concerns require immediate attention.
• If problems arise with the existing residential schedule, a Washington state family law attorney can explain whether a modification, adjustment, or other action may be appropriate.

A child who refuses visitation may be reluctant to go to the other parent’s home for many different reasons, and the reason matters. Some children struggle with transitions between households, especially when parents have recently separated or divorced. Others may be upset about a disagreement, missing friends or activities, feeling uncomfortable in the other home, or simply wanting to stay where they are.

In other situations, the reluctance may point to a more weighty problem. A child may be experiencing conflict with the other parent, feeling caught between the adults, or expressing a genuine concern about something that happened during residential time. Parents should avoid immediately deciding that the child is either telling the whole story or being influenced by the other parent. Instead, listen carefully and try to understand the source of the reluctance. 

For families in Seattle, King County, and throughout Washington state, these situations can be particularly difficult when parents are already dealing with disagreements about residential time and parenting arrangements. Washington state addresses these issues by adopting parenting plans that establish where a child will live, when the child will spend time with each parent, and a host of other provisions pertaining to the child. If your child refuses to go to the other parent’s home, here’s what you should know. 

Establishing Residential Time in Washington State

Washington state courts consider several factors when establishing a residential time schedule, including,

(i) The relative strength, nature, and stability of the child’s relationship with each parent;

(ii) The agreements of the parties, provided they were entered into knowingly and voluntarily;

(iii) Each parent’s past and potential for future performance of parenting functions, including whether a parent has taken greater responsibility for performing parenting functions relating to the daily needs of the child;

(iv) The emotional needs and developmental level of the child;

(v) The child’s relationship with siblings and with other significant adults, as well as the child’s involvement with his or her physical surroundings, school, or other significant activities;

(vi) The wishes of the parents and the wishes of a child who is sufficiently mature to express reasoned and independent preferences as to his or her residential schedule; and

(vii) Each parent’s employment schedule, and shall make accommodations consistent with those schedules.

Washington state law requires the greatest weight be given to the first factor. And while a child’s preference can be considered, that does not mean the child gets to dictate the parenting schedule, even if the court determines the child is mature enough to express a well-reasoned preference. In Washington state, a person under the age of 18 is a minor and still “a child” in family law cases.

The significance of the above is that once the court adopts a parenting plan, whether by agreement between the parents or as a result of a trial, these factors have been considered and used to determine the residential and visitation schedule in the parenting plan. By adopting the parenting plan, the court has determined the schedule in question is in the child’s best interests and, therefore, needs to be followed.

What if a Child is Refusing to Go?

Children are not to be put in the position where they feel they can make their own schedule or refuse to follow their parents’ directions. The parents are expected to present a united front. If a court-ordered parenting plan exists, both parents are jointly responsible to see that the residential schedule is followed unless the plan is changed by agreement or court order. 

This can be difficult when a child is crying, angry, or refusing to get into the car. A parent may feel that forcing the child to leave will make the situation worse, while also worrying about what could happen if the parent refuses to follow the parenting plan. Nevertheless, except in the unusual case of child safety, the parent, as the adult, is responsible for requiring the child to comply.

Visitation and residential time provisions of a parenting plan are court-ordered requirements. A parent who fails to comply with those provisions may face a contempt proceeding in certain circumstances. The facts matter, including why the residential time did not occur. 

That said, understand that a parent who does not comply with the schedule is presumed as a matter of law to have acted “in bad faith.” Proving otherwise can be difficult if the court determines you were either the cause of the missed time or did not do your very best to see that the visit or exchange occurred. If your child is resisting exchanges and residential time, speak to a Seattle divorce attorney so they can help you understand your rights and responsibilities under your specific parenting plan.

Help Your Child Become Comfortable with the Residential Schedule

When your child says, “I don’t want to go,” your first response should usually be to listen rather than argue. Give your child an opportunity to explain what is happening without suggesting an answer. You might ask what they’re worried about, whether something happened, or what makes them uncomfortable about going to the other home. 

If safety issues are raised, speak with a Seattle Family Law attorney as soon as possible about your options. Otherwise, make sure your child understands that you and the other parent have agreed the schedule is best and you both require your child to abide by the residential or visitation schedule in place. 

What If Your Child Says Something Concerning?

Parents should take statements about abuse, neglect, threats, domestic violence, inappropriate sexual behavior, or other safety concerns seriously. That does not mean conducting your own investigation or repeatedly questioning your child. Listen, document what your child says as accurately as possible, and seek appropriate professional or legal guidance at once.

Washington state law allows courts to place limitations on a parent’s residential time in certain circumstances involving abuse, domestic violence, abandonment, and other conduct that may affect a child’s safety or well-being. The specific facts matter, and the law provides different protections and procedures depending on the circumstances.

If you believe your child is in immediate danger, seek emergency assistance. If the concern is serious but not an immediate emergency, consider speaking with a Washington state family law attorney who handles parenting plan and child safety issues.

Document What Is Happening

If your child is reluctant to cooperate with exchanges,  keep a factual record of it. Documentation can help you see whether there is a pattern and can give your Washington state family law attorney useful information if circumstances eventually require court involvement.

Record the date of the scheduled exchange, what your child said, what happened before the exchange, whether the child went with the other parent, and any relevant communication between the parents. Keep copies of texts, emails, school communications, medical information, or other records that may relate to the situation. 

Try to separate facts from conclusions. Writing that your child said, “I am scared because Dad yelled at me yesterday,” is more useful than writing that the other parent is abusive. Your documentation may become important if the other parent claims you are interfering with residential time or if you later need to ask the court to change the parenting plan.

If your child actually refused to go with the other parent despite your sincere best efforts, contact an experienced Washington state family law attorney for advice as soon as possible. Even one missed visit or exchange can result in a motion for contempt being brought by the other parent.  

Do Not Put Your Child in the Middle

Children often experience significant emotional pressure when their parents disagree about parenting. That pressure can increase when one parent believes the child should remain in the home and the other parent insists that the child follow the residential time schedule.

Do not ask your child to relay messages between parents or to report on what happens in the other household. Do not tell your child that the other parent is trying to take them away from you, and do not ask the child to keep secrets about either home.

Also, avoid making your child responsible for weighing in on legal matters, aka adult matters. The child should not be asked to decide whether the parenting plan is fair, whether the other parent deserves residential time, questions about child support, or whether you should go to court.

You can acknowledge that your child is upset without agreeing that the other parent should lose residential time. A response such as, “I hear that you are upset, and I want to understand why, or “The adults will work on the schedule,” can help take some of that pressure off the child.

What If the Other Parent Says You Are Interfering With Their Residential Time?

A parent whose child refuses to go to the other household may result in the other parent accusing them of interfering with their residential time. That is a serious concern because Washington state law provides consequences for failing to comply with provisions of a parenting plan.

A Washington court may find a parent in contempt when a parent fails to comply with the residential provisions of a parenting plan. Possible consequences can include additional residential time for the other parent, attorney fees and costs, and other sanctions. In severe and repeated cases, it can even result in jail time or be considered as a basis to change the parenting plan in a manner favoring the other parent. 

At the same time, the circumstances surrounding the missed residential time will be informative. A parent responding to a legitimate concern about a child’s safety may have different legal considerations from a parent who allows a child to skip residential time without a good reason.

This is one reason it can be risky to treat a child’s refusal as permission to change the schedule. Talk with a Washington state family law attorney before deciding the existing residential time schedule no longer applies.

When Should You Consider Changing a Parenting Plan?

Sometimes a child’s resistance to follow the residential schedule is a sign that the existing parenting plan is no longer working for the family. Again, that does not mean the parent is permitted to simply stop following the schedule.

Washington state law provides procedures for requesting certain changes to a parenting plan. Whether a modification or adjustment is available depends on the circumstances, the existing court orders, the reason for the requested change, and the facts surrounding the child’s existing residential schedule.

If the issue has become a pattern, consider getting legal advice before the conflict escalates. A Seattle family law attorney can review the current parenting plan, the history of residential time, your child’s circumstances, and the reasons for the refusal.

In some cases, the solution may involve changing the residential schedule. In others, the parents may need additional support around transitions, communication, or co-parenting. The appropriate response depends on what is actually happening in the family.

How to Find a Seattle Divorce Attorney

If your child is repeatedly expressing reluctance  to go to the other parent’s home, speaking with a Seattle divorce attorney who handles Washington state family law, parenting plans, and residential time disputes at Elise Buie Family Law can help.

Bring your current parenting plan and any relevant documentation to the consultation. One of our Seattle family law attorneys can help you understand your responsibilities under the existing order and whether a parenting plan modification or another legal option may be appropriate.

If the refusal continues or involves a serious safety concern, getting legal advice can help you respond without putting your child in the middle or creating additional problems with the parenting plan. Call us at our Seattle office today or schedule a convenient time to speak. 

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I stop my child from going to the other parent’s home?

Rarely. A child refusing residential time does not automatically give a parent the right to stop following a court-ordered parenting plan. If there is a serious safety concern, seek legal advice promptly.

What if my child says they are afraid of the other parent?

Take the statement seriously and listen without coaching your child. Document what was said and seek appropriate professional or legal guidance if you believe there may be a safety issue.

Can my teenager choose to live with the other parent when our parenting plan provides they are to live with me?

No.  Until they reach age 18, in the eyes of the court, they are still a child and must comply with the rules established by their parents, including the residential schedule in place. Obtaining a teenager’s compliance is often easier said than done and requires both parents to establish boundaries and consequences for disobedience.   

Can I be punished for withholding residential time?

Yes. A parent who fails to comply with a court-ordered residential schedule may face a contempt proceeding when the legal elements are met. The circumstances surrounding the missed residential time matter, but the presumption is that parents have the ability to comply and have acted in bad faith if they do not

Can I change the parenting plan if my child refuses to go to the other parent’s home?

Possibly. Washington state law provides procedures for certain parenting plan modifications and adjustments, but the requirements depend on the circumstances. Actual refusal is a serious matter and should be addressed with your lawyer as soon as possible.

Should I force my child to go to the other parent’s home?

Unless there is a genuine safety concern, the answer is usually yes. Follow up by seeking legal advice to learn your rights, responsibilities, and options.

Should I talk to a Seattle divorce attorney after one missed visit?

One difficult exchange may not require legal action. If your child repeatedly resists residential time, makes a serious allegation, or the conflict with the other parent is escalating, a consultation with a Seattle divorce attorney can help you understand what to do next.