What Washington Parents Get Wrong About Parenting Plans and Residential Time and How to Improve

Divorce is difficult, and when children are involved, the stakes are even higher. Many parents, with their parenting plan and residential time schedule mapped out, enter co-parenting with the best intentions, but inadvertently make mistakes that can harm their children’s emotional well-being. The good news is that understanding these common mistakes allows you to avoid them and create a healthier environment for your children as they adjust to life in two homes.

At Elise Buie Family Law in Seattle, Washington, we have seen how certain patterns of behavior can either support or undermine children’s adjustment to divorce. One crucial insight guides our approach: conflict damages children, not their living in two healthy homes. When parents are intentional about minimizing conflict and communicating constructively, children thrive despite the changes in their family structure. This article explores the most common mistakes parents make in Washington state parenting plans and residential time, and how to avoid them.

Speaking Negatively About Your Co-Parent in Front of Your Children

One of the most common and damaging mistakes in co-parenting is speaking negatively about your co-parent in front of your children. Nearly everyone who has gone through a divorce has done this at some point. The frustration, anger, and hurt can make it difficult to hold back. However, understanding the impact of this behavior on your children can help you make different choices.

Your children are half of your co-parent. When you speak negatively about their other parent, you are speaking negatively about part of who they are. Children struggle to separate your animosity, anger, and disgust from their own identity and their love for their other parent. They may feel caught in the middle, confused about their own feelings, or guilty about loving someone you, their other parent, clearly despise.

Doing everything you can to avoid bashing your co-parent protects your children from this emotional damage. This does not mean you cannot have feelings about your former spouse or that you must pretend everything is fine. It simply means finding appropriate outlets for those feelings, such as a therapist, trusted friends, or family members, rather than expressing them in front of your children. The payoff is significant: Children who are shielded from parental conflict adjust far better to divorce than those who witness ongoing hostility.

Over-Documenting and Policing Your Co-Parent

Documentation can play a legitimate role in co-parenting, particularly when genuine concerns about children’s welfare arise. However, some parents take documentation to an extreme, essentially policing every move their co-parent makes. This approach is not only unhealthy but also counterproductive.

Documenting should not be something you do with the intention of gathering ammunition to use against your ex in court. Rather, when you have legitimate concerns, perhaps your children are struggling in school, arriving tardy repeatedly during your ex’s parenting time, or your children are showing signs of distress, the goal should be to address those concerns constructively, not to build a case.

Ideally, concerns should be brought to a neutral third party who can help facilitate solutions that improve conditions in both homes. This might be a family therapist, mediator, or parenting coordinator. The focus should always be on what will help your children, not on proving your co-parent is failing. When documentation becomes about winning rather than problem-solving, it creates more conflict, and conflict is what harms children most.

Failing to Show Up Reliably for Residential Time

Another common mistake involves failing to show up consistently for your scheduled residential time. Whether due to work obligations, scheduling conflicts, or other reasons, repeatedly canceling or arriving late causes real harm to your children.

Consider your child’s perspective: They know it is their time with you, they expect you at a certain time, and then you do not appear. Children do not understand the complexities of work schedules or adult responsibilities. All they know is that you did not come when they were waiting for you. This pattern creates uncertainty and disappointment and can lead children to question whether they are a priority in your life.

When creating your parenting plan, your residential time schedule should reflect what you can realistically achieve. It is better to have a schedule you can consistently honor than an ambitious one you frequently fail to meet. Life does bring unexpected situations, and everyone understands that occasional changes are necessary. However, when changes are needed, communicate with your co-parent well in advance, not five minutes before pickup time, and not week after week. Consistent, reliable presence in your children’s lives matters enormously.

Poor Communication with Your Co-Parent

Communication is by far the biggest landmine in co-parenting. How you communicate with your co-parent affects not only your relationship with them but also your children’s experience of their family. Hostile, triggering, or destructive communication creates conflict that bleeds into your children’s childhood.

Learning to communicate constructively is a skill that can be developed. Resources such as “The Co-parenting Handbook” by Karen Bonnell provide valuable guidance on communicating in constructive rather than destructive ways. The goal is to write emails and have conversations that empower your co-parent to be their best, rather than triggering defensiveness and escalation.

One particularly helpful framework is the BIFF method developed by Bill Eddy: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. This approach helps you communicate necessary information without adding emotional fuel that could escalate conflict. Brief means keeping communications short and focused. Informative means sticking to facts and necessary information. Friendly means maintaining a respectful tone, even when you are frustrated. Firm means being clear about your position without being aggressive.

Whether you are writing emails or speaking in person, learning these communication techniques can be game-changing for your co-parenting relationship. When communication improves, conflict decreases, and that directly benefits your children.

Speak With a Seattle Family Lawyer to Become the Best Co-Parent You Can Be

The common parenting plan and residential time mistakes outlined here, including speaking negatively about your co-parent, over-documenting, failing to show up reliably, and poor communication, all share a common thread: They increase conflict. And it is conflict, not the existence of two homes, that damages children during and after divorce.

The encouraging reality is that all of these patterns can be changed. With awareness, intention, and sometimes outside support, parents can learn to co-parent in ways that protect their children and create two healthy homes where children can thrive. To become the best co-parent you can be in light of your individual situation, call a member of our team at Elise Buie Family Law or schedule a convenient time to speak.