Mastering the Five C’s of Conflict Communication in Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most challenging experiences in life. Even when a relationship ends, co-parenting or other ongoing interactions can create tension and stress. As family law attorneys who focus on reducing conflict, we are always on the lookout for tools and strategies to help our clients communicate more effectively. Good communication during a divorce supports respectful interactions. Even better, it lays the groundwork for healthier relationships in the years that follow, especially when children are involved.

Lisa Gabardi, PhD, a psychotherapist who works with divorcing clients, describes a set of skills called the Five C’s of Conflict Communication. She and Karen Bonnel co-authored an article titled “The Gift of Peace: The Five C’s of Conflict Communication, “ detailing five principles that, when used in conjunction, provide practical guidance for managing conversations during divorce and beyond. More specifically, they can help those who are divorcing focus on creating constructive dialogue while reducing stress for everyone involved, which is especially important when children are involved. With this in mind, here is an overview of the Five C’s. 

1. Calm

Calm is the basis of effective communication. Our bodies are wired to react when we feel threatened, and emotions can take over, making logical thinking difficult, if not impossible. In stressful situations, this can lead to words or actions that inevitably escalate conflict.

Focusing on staying calm in challenging situations allows you to respond intentionally rather than react impulsively. Maintaining your composure, however, does not mean you have to ignore your feelings. Quite the contrary. It only means you’re acknowledging how you feel at the same time as you’re regulating your responses. 

Practices such as deep breathing, pausing before replaying, and practicing mindfulness can help you remain steady. That way, you can focus on the other communication skills that can similarly keep interactions from devolving.

2. Contained

Contained communication is a form of communication that creates a safe space for open and honest discussion. Given how divorce conversations often involve heightened emotions, boundaries go a long way toward preventing escalation.

In practice, containment may involve agreeing on when and how discussions occur, using structured formats, or writing messages instead of speaking when tensions are running high. Containment requires recognizing triggers and then practicing self-restraint, even when those triggers are present. 

3. Clarity

Many conflicts arise from misunderstandings, not disagreements. To address this point, clarity focuses on hearing and expressing messages without allowing emotions to interfere with understanding. 

Clarity can be achieved by summarizing what you hear, confirming your understanding, and speaking in specific terms. This involves separating facts from feelings. For example, you can say, “I would like to discuss fleshing out a consistent schedule for our child,” instead of “We need to create a consistent schedule for our child because you obviously don’t understand what stability means.” 

In other words, the former communicates a need to achieve a specific goal while the latter assigns blame for why this task is necessary. With less reason to become defensive, productivity remains the focus. 

4. Creative

Creative communication is really code for problem-solving because when you are open to new and different solutions, what you are doing is saying you are willing to listen to and respect diverse perspectives. This requires not only listening, but being flexible and willing to collaborate.

By its very nature, divorce brings to the surface contrasting points of view, priorities, and values. When you agree to entertain creative approaches, you open the door for exploring solutions that address the participants’ needs but without the usual judgment. When everyone feels seen and heard, discussions can move forward, and when there’s a sticking point, participants work on getting through it.

5. Child-Centered

Parents carry their own emotions during divorce, but conflict can affect children if it is not managed. Child-centered communication can help keep emotions and, with it, conflict, in check.  

Child-centered communication is what it sounds like: conversations that prioritize the needs and well-being of children. What does this look like in practice? Listening to children, avoiding using children as messengers, and making decisions that support children’s stability and development. 

Separating your emotions from children’s needs is difficult but necessary if you want to come to agreements that everyone can live by and will, therefore, stand the test of time. Reducing conflict helps children thrive into adulthood and shields them from exposure to adult disputes they cannot and should not have to understand.

How to Begin Implementing the Five Cs of Conflict Communication in Divorce Today

Going from high-conflict discussions to calm ones may not happen overnight. There may also be resistance from a partner or setbacks. The key is to get started and then stay the course.

To begin, try applying one or two Cs at a time. Pause before responding to tense exchanges and, instead, focus on being calm. Next, contain the conversation and speak clearly. Over time, incorporating all five principles will become natural, so natural that it will be like second nature.

Find a Seattle Divorce Lawyer Who Supports the Five Cs of Conflict Communication in Divorce

The 5 C’s can be used in everyday interactions, not just formal discussions. Whether you and your child’s other parent are negotiating schedules, discussing finances, or handling unexpected situations, applying calm, contained, clear, creative, and child-centered principles can keep your conversations fluid, respectful, and, most importantly, help you to reach an agreement. 

At Elise Buie Law, our team of Seattle divorce lawyers is committed to reducing conflict. We believe in guiding our clients toward constructive communication to make every interaction calm, knowing full well that conflict-reduction practices protect relationships between family members for decades, even lifetimes. If you are interested in a divorce team that will provide a framework for managing emotional challenges while safeguarding your interests and supporting children’s well-being. Contact us today or schedule a convenient time to speak.